A Written Dose of Buckley – Microsoft Kinect
I’ve been thinking about writing more entries as opposed to voicing all of them (if you’re new to this “blog”, all of my content is in the form of 2 – 4 minute long audio segments), which, along with my regular Monday updates and the occasional supplement, means more content for everyone to ignore.
Allow me to nerd out for a moment. I recently read this article at IGN titled “Microsoft Addresses Kinect Concerns“. Microsoft’s “Kinect” is essentially it’s competitive answer to the Wii, however instead of using a controller, it maps your body with cameras and you become the controller. It remains to see how gimmicky it is, as they’ve claimed it will be used for all sorts of games but all the demos so far have looked like high res Wii games; casual games that the hardcore crowd (Microsoft’s main install base) scoff at. I figured THIS would be the concern eluded to by the article’s title. No, INSTEAD the concern is that people are afraid they won’t be able to sit down while using Microsoft’s “Kinect”, because the device has a difficult time mapping a person while they’re on a couch or in a chair. WOW. Good work gamers, you just proved how fat you are, that you can’t stand for any length of time to play a video game, that the concept of exercise, beyond running your mouth into a microphone while playing online, frightens you. This is the sad state of the world we live in, that something new and potentially innovative comes out, and people say “well… can I sit down while using it? If that’s going to be a problem, I’m going have to re-think that purchase…”
Other questions that I assume gamers have about the Microsoft Kinect:
– “Will it malfunction if I’m trying to stuff half a family-sized bag of Doritos down my throat while playing? What if it thinks the bag is actually a second head growing out of me?”
– “Will it automatically pause every 3 minutes so that I don’t have a heart attack from the incredibly strenuous activity of standing and slightly moving my arms?”
– “What if, hypothetically, I’m a highly uncoordinated 22 year old with the body of a 45 year old alcoholic? Will it negatively effect the on-screen movements of the ridiculously over-muscled army man I’m pretending to be in my 3D fantasy world where women aren’t completely repulsed by the mere sight of me?”
This might be the most ridiculous concern about ANYTHING that I’ve ever read… you’re worried that a motion detecting system designed to make games more interactive than ever by detecting your every movement and mapping it into the game won’t work while you’re being a pathetic lump on a couch? If this is a legitimate concern that has run through your bacon-soaked mind, you should seriously consider neutering yourself with anything sharp within reach of your blubbery fingers so that you don’t accidentally produce any future offspring that could end up being as lazy as you are, eventually being the slow, fat, incredibly stupid people that I get stuck behind at the grocery store because they take up the whole aisle trying to decide whether they should buy 6 cases of Diet Pepsi or Coke Zero. I say “accidentally” because there’s no chance anyone would intentionally procreate with these losers anyway, but alcohol makes people make bad decisions.