NOTE: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS HERE! If you haven’t watched the Ten Worst Songs of 2013 yet (or you’re reading this before it has been released), do NOT continue reading if you don’t want to know what will and won’t be on the list.
Once again, it’s time for my list of the ten worst songs of 2013. And once again, it’s time for a bunch of people to bitch that the song they hated the most wasn’t on the list. Well, it’s MY list, and I don’t really need to justify it, but in the interest of shutting some of you up, I’ll try to explain why certain songs or artists didn’t make the list. Still not satisfied? No explanation here for a song you thought should be on the list but isn’t? Well then, the easiest way to explain it is “I felt there were ten songs that were worse”.
Ylvis – The Fox
My rule of not putting stupid novelty Internet sensations in my videos continues. If The Fox went in, then so too must Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” or “ABCDEFG”, and as I’ve said before, that means every shitty song done by some emo band in their parent’s garage qualifies, or every wannabe rapper on YouTube qualifies, and the list is just a recap of all the stupid viral videos you were too dumb not to click on. OF COURSE those songs are bad. They’re not by professionals. Or in the case of “The Fox”, it’s professional comedians making a song for a sketch, and it happened to be pretty annoying. And I don’t give a shit that the American Billboard charts now legitimize these songs because it counts YouTube views. I will not legitimize them on my list. Think of them as “too shitty” for the list if that helps you, but I would suggest that anyone who makes a worst song list and puts “The Fox” on it is only doing so to pander to the idiots who EXPECT it to be on there. If it’s on there, where do we draw the line? Since “The Fox” was basically a commercial for a TV show, maybe all commercial jingles should be included on a list of the worst songs? Yep, that’ll make for a fun list…
Rebecca Black – Saturday
What did I JUST fucking write!? Rebecca Black is an unsigned performer who is known for ONE song, and she’s known for it because of how stupid it was, and because people posted it on everyone’s Facebook walls saying “Oh man, you gotta check out how bad this is!” because that’s what people do… they’re more likely to share something that’s awful than something that’s of some sort of value. Saturday is just an attempt to stretch her 15 minutes of viral fame into 15 more minutes of viral fame. Let me know when she’s signed and is putting out legitimate songs off an album. Then maybe we’ll talk.
Robin Thicke – Blurred Lines
“Where’s Blurred Lines!? That song sucked!”, no doubt there will be a few hundred of those comments. I left it off the list not because I liked the song… but because it’s too fucking mediocre. And for those of you bitching about it being a song about rape… you’re reading too much into it. And this is coming from me… the guy who reads too much into EVERY song.
Kanye West – Bound 2
If it was the Ten Worst VIDEOS of 2013, sure, it’d be on there. It might even be #1. It’s a really stupid video. But I don’t judge songs based on their video, I judge songs based on the song. Bound 2 is just boring, and the only REALLY awful element is that stupid “Come here papi!” or whatever she says (I listened to the song once and have not had to listen to it again because it’s not charting and it’s not getting radio play around here or where I work, which is another reason it’s not on the list… the only way you’re possibly listening to this song is if you’re subjecting yourself to it, and that’s your own fault).
Lorde – Royals
If you think this song was boring… that’s fair, it doesn’t do a whole lot musically, and it’s not overly upbeat. If you think the song was lyrically a piece of shit… you’re either an idiot who didn’t understand the lyrics, OR you hate songs with SOME sort of substance. If you simply hate this song, that’s perfectly understandable… it’s been played into the ground. No way anyone COULDN’T be sick of this song by now. BUT, that doesn’t mean it makes the list of the ten worst songs of the year. If it was called “The Ten Most Overplayed Songs of the Year”, then it would likely be #1, but a song being overplayed doesn’t necessarily make it bad. I watched some other person’s list of the worst songs of 2012, and that was essentially his reason for two songs being on the list… that would be like suggesting that if you watch The Shawshank Redemption once a week, eventually it goes from being one of the best movies ever made to one of the worst. You might get sick of watching it, but it’s still a great film (note: Lorde – Royals is NOT the Shawshank Redemption of songs… more like the Quiz Show of songs… slow and maybe a little boring to some people, but still interesting).
Britney Spears – Work Bitch
I’m not going to say I LIKED this song… but the message is actually not awful. If you want nice things in life, or if you want to look good, you need to work for it. Hate Britney if you want, but do you think she just rolls out of bed looking like she does? It requires time in the gym, not eating just everything that’s put in front of her… if you think “anyone can look like that”, go look at yourself in the mirror. Do you? No? Well then I guess “anyone” can’t. “I could if I had the time”, do you know what goes on in a gym? It’s not just about time, you know you don’t just go sit in a chair for an hour and you come out thin and toned, right? You are required to put in an effort. Beyond that, it’s a generic pop song that’s not worth getting too worked up over.
Anything I Already Did a Musical Autopsy of
This rule is back in effect this year. In fact, two of the Musical Autopsies I did this year were slightly positive (Lorde – Royals and Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Thrift Shop), so it was fairly obvious that they weren’t going to make the list. The rest, though terrible songs, weren’t as bad as the ten I chose.
Flo Rida
Holy shit, for the first time in two years, Flo Rida didn’t make the list! He put out songs… but they didn’t really do anything. One of the things that I usually take into consideration for the worst songs of the year is whether anyone even cared about it. If a song is shitty, but no one listened to it, then it’s done fairly minimal damage. Though “I Cry” kind of made waves, there’s nothing more that I can say about it that I didn’t already say about “Good Feeling” 2 years ago (shitty rapping done over a stolen sample, pretty much par for the course for Flo Rida).
Nicki Minaj
You know I hate Nicki Minaj and would love for the 2012 “champion” to make an appearance on the list again… but she didn’t really put anything out this year! She had one single, “High School”, which didn’t even crack the top 40, and just wasn’t awful enough to make this year’s list. I guess she needed a break this year. Maybe we’ll see her back on the list in 2014.
Justin Bieber
It’s been a pretty busy year for Justin Bieber, but his off-stage antics have been way more interesting than any of the boring, generic pop he pushed out in 2013. Nothing he put out this year is even worth the effort to discuss for more than this sentence and the sentence before it.
Any song that I can’t find anything funny to say about
[This is a direct copy and paste from last year’s “What Not To Expect” blog post] Again, keep in mind this is all for the sake of comedy, and there’s a reason why I’m now known as the guy who does this… search “Worst Songs of 2011” on YouTube. My video has nearly 3 million views [note: now it’s over 7 million], everyone else ranges from 300 views to 40,000 views. Not to sound arrogant, but you’re not listening to this and sharing it with people because of the songs themselves, it’s what I say about them. If the list was me saying “#10 – [Insert song here] This song sucks because it’s repetitive and boring and it’s stupid… #9 – [Insert song here] I hate this song, it sucks and is annoying… #8 – [Insert song here] I didn’t like this song, it was stupid”… I’d have no fan base. You want to be entertained, and that’s not entertaining. Don’t take this list super serious, don’t say things like “Oh, this should be #4, not #6” or “why isn’t [insert your least favourite song] on the list instead of [insert some song you didn’t think was all that bad]”, just enjoy the comedy. Or don’t. Whatever.
A Dose of Buckley 