Archive for A Dose of Buckley

The Marvel vs Fox Conspiracy

Posted in A Dose of Buckley with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2015 by adoseofbuckley

If you’ve followed my work for any amount of time, you could probably at least take a guess that I dislike conspiracies, and you’d be right. Mostly I just dislike the people who believe in conspiracies, because they always seem to be bizarre weirdos that you wouldn’t take seriously even if they weren’t talking out of their ass about ridiculous, paranoid theories.

Every group has conspiracy theorists, and nerds are no exception (in fact they’re pretty much the rule). And one conspiracy lately is that Marvel is “sabotaging” their own characters in comic form, specifically characters they don’t own the movie rights to (Wolverine and the rest of the X-Men, Deadpool, and the Fantastic Four) in an attempt to drive down interest in the movie properties. You see, Fox owns the rights to these characters, and they aren’t interested in giving them up (The Wolverine made over $400 mil and X-Men: Days of Future Past made nearly $750 mil, so you can understand why they might consider keeping them). Marvel wants them back. So the conspiracy, you see, is that Marvel is fucking up the characters in the comics intentionally. People will then say “oh, that character sucks now, I don’t care about them, so I’m not going to go watch that movie”. Then what will happen in this fantasy world is that no one will go see the movies based on these characters that Marvel has killed or made unenjoyable in some way, and Fox will say “oh, these characters aren’t selling anymore, I guess we’ll just sell them back to Marvel!” and then Marvel will be able to reboot the characters and add them to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and order will be restored. There are just two tiny little flaws in this plan… 1) no one cares about comics, and 2) movies now help drive comic sales, not the other way around.

I’ve addressed the “no one cares about comics” thing before, but let’s go over it again with a different example. In early 2014, Wolverine comics (the series leading up to the “Death of Wolverine”) sold roughly 40,000 copies. When you consider that it’s generally the same people reading a serialized version of a comic, it means roughly the same 40,000 people show up every month to see what’s going on in Wolverine’s world. Now, let’s take $400 mil (the amount of ticket sales for The Wolverine) and divide it by $15 (a slightly high average price for a movie ticket) and you get a number of 26,666,667. That means nearly 27 million tickets sold. Even if every person went and saw it twice (which didn’t happen), you’ve got a little over 13 million people who watched The Wolverine in theatres. 13 million people vs 40,000. Even if Marvel’s supposed tactics of killing Wolverine off in order to destroy interest in the character affected those 40,000 people… even if it affected 165,000 people (the number of copies sold of Death of Wolverine #4, the final issue of the series in which Wolverine bites the big one), that leaves easily 12,840,000 people who are still potentially going to see a Wolverine movie based on this flawed math in which I’m totally downplaying how many people actually watched a movie about Wolverine. It’s a drop in the bucket. That’d only be $2,475,000 of lost revenue (Let’s just say $5 million if they all saw it twice) against $400 million. And this is for one of their lesser selling films, do this example with X-Men (using Days of Future Past’s sales) and you’ll see an even better example. Fox won’t give a shit, that’s not going to be reason enough for them to sell the rights back to Marvel.

The truth of it is… Marvel kills its characters off all the time in order to make money, and in fact uses these movies, whether they own them or not, as springboards to bring them back to the comic world. First, you kill the character, hyping it up for several months before, which drives sales (again, only 40,000 copies of Wolverine’s comic were being sold, which spiked during his death to around 4x that amount). They did it with the Amazing Spider-man, the rights of that character being owned by Sony (Sony, in case you were wondering, is not Marvel. Completely different spelling and everything). In issue #700 of The Amazing Spider-Man, they “killed” Peter Parker, which resulted in sales of over 200,000 issues (before that, they were doing around 50,000 – 60,000 copies sold per month). Then, just in time for the launch of “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” film, with interest in the mainstream at peak levels, they brought Peter back from the dead with a relaunch, selling well over half a million copies, their biggest sale in years (it’s settled back into a comfortable range around the 100,000 issues per month mark). It’s all over the Internet right now that they’re going to kill off Deadpool in issue #45 (which, according to some shoddy math that ignores a few issues for convenience sake, will be Deadpool’s 250th issue if you add up all of the different series he’s had), and they’re canceling the Fantastic Four comic, which has the conspiracy theorists once again claiming sabotage by Marvel. Deadpool and the Fantastic Four have movies coming out soon, and Marvel has a few fiscal quarters to pad. SO, if they can get the casuals to buy up Deadpool’s “death” issue and the Fantastic Four’s grand finale, and then get them to buy the relaunch in a year or so when their movies come out, they’re laughing all the way to the bank no matter who’s releasing the movie. Of course I’m sure they’d love to have the movie rights to their characters back again, but I guess they should have thought about that when they were hurting for cash and sold them in the first place!

And how come this theory doesn’t apply to the characters they own? Marvel has the rights to the Avengers, and yet they’ve made some pretty dramatic changes to those characters in the last few months. The Falcon is now the new Captain America, with Steve Rogers becoming a de-powered old man. The character of Thor is now a woman, with the original Thor (the Odinson) deemed unfit to wield his own hammer. Iron Man is now a prick… well, ok, not that dramatic of a change, but far more of a prick than he’s been in a while. For some reason, these same conspiracy theorists will tell you that THIS is all for sales, and that all of these characters will be restored just in time for their films. Funny how that works… no no, they’re killing off Deadpool and Wolverine, two of their most popular characters, to fuck over Fox, but they made Thor a woman to temporarily boost sales and then to boost them again when they have the original Thor take over again. Makes perfect sense… if you’re a drooling paranoid delusional moron.

As for people claiming that the X-Men comics are getting shittier and that they’re doing that on purpose to lower interest… have you ever thought that maybe the simple answer is that it has nothing to do with the movies and they just suck because they suck? It wouldn’t make any sense for them to just sabotage the comic so that no one will read them, the only company that really loses on that deal is Marvel themselves. Then they don’t see any revenue from the movies OR the comics.

There is no conspiracy. If that was Marvel’s plan, it would fail horribly. The audience for the films is NOT the same audience who buys comics. The comic buying audience only represents a tiny, miniscule, insignificant fraction of the movie-going public. You may believe differently because that little fraction is very noisy on the Internet, but you need to understand that you’re not the target audience. You’re the guaranteed audience. They know you’re in. Their goal is to convince everyone else to come see a movie about people in weird costumes saving the world from people in weirder costumes, and nothing they do in the comics will be a deterrent to those people… unless they force them to read the comics to understand the movie. Then they’re out.

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5 Different Movies To Watch This Halloween

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 29, 2013 by adoseofbuckley

Halloween… a time to watch the same fucking handful of movies over and over. Rocky Horror Picture Show, Ghostbusters, Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas (which kind of works for two holidays, way to cash in Tim Burton), something from the Saw, Scream, Halloween, Friday the Thirteenth, or A Nightmare on Elm Street franchises, a bunch of weird J-Horror movies about ghosts that have bizarre endings, I’m sure you can come up with more but it’s all the same fucking shit year after year. Well, I’ve had enough. Here are 5 movies to watch this Halloween that probably wouldn’t make your traditional list, but are horrific in their own ways (and as a bonus, they’re all from different countries… have a cultured All Hallows’ Eve this year!):

Se7en
(USA, 1995)

David Fincher has made 3 amazing films (Fight Club, Se7en, and The Game) and a bunch of other ones that arguably range from “meh” to “not too shabby”. Not bad for a guy who used to make music videos for Madonna. Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman attempt to hunt down a serial killer who is murdering his victims based on each of the seven deadly sins. Se7en is not really a horror film as much as it is a thriller, but it’s a dark, moody thriller that just never lets up, and I know that sounds fucking cliched but it’s true. From the unnerving opening credits to the grim ending, this is a movie that fucks you up so well the first time you watch it, you wish you could erase your memory just so you could let yourself experience it again.

Cube
(Canada, 1997)

A Canadian horror film with a cast of nobodies (the most famous person in the movie is an actress that was in a couple Kids in the Hall sketches). People talk about how great the first Saw movie was on a budget of a little over a million, Cube was made for $350k and blows it out of the fucking water. A psychological thriller about a group of people trapped in a gigantic cube made up of smaller cubes probably sounds really boring, but within about a minute when the Cube claims its first victim, you’ll shut the fuck up about how boring you think it is. It’s a great minimalist film that has some excellent gory moments (the effects are pretty solid for how much they spent on the movie) and manages to be a pretty fun mind-fuck overall. Oh, but ignore the prequel and the sequel. They sucked.

Battle Royale
(Japan, 2000)

Not a horror movie at all, despite the section some shitty HMVs put it in, but the premise would be pretty terrifying for most 13-14 year olds: What would happen if your entire class was kidnapped, put on an island, and forced to kill each other for sport and because the government doesn’t have a better solution for population control? Battle Royale only recently became available in North America, conveniently just before the Hunger Games hit theatres (the plots are similar, and the author of the Hunger Games franchise claims that they never heard of the novel or the film Battle Royale before writing it, but then Battle Royale is kind of a rip-off of Stephen King’s early novels The Long Walk and The Running Man, and I’m sure someone would suggest those novels borrow elements from other works as well, so… what the fuck can you do). It’s got everything you need this Halloween: violence, creepy Asian girls, a weird bad guy that’s possibly a pedophile, and more violence. It’s kids viciously murdering each other on an island! What more do you need to know!?

13 Tzameti
(France, 2005)

Normally when you think “French films”, you think about a bag blowing in the wind for 45 minutes while a mime cries and it’s in black and white. While definitely horrifying, thankfully that’s not what 13 Tzameti is (although it IS in black and white). Absolutely NOT a horror movie in any way, but similar to Battle Royale in the sense that the situation is the terrifying part. A guy doing a construction job on a private house finds out about an envelope in his employer’s home, said envelope including instructions that could net him a fortune. What follows is so fucking awesome that I don’t even want to give any more away, although I’m sure someone will spoil it for you if you try to look any deeper into it, but the guy gets sucked into a world he wishes he hadn’t. Doesn’t ruin the whole movie or anything if you find out where the envelope takes him (it happens in about the first 30 minutes and the rest is him dealing with the situation), but if you can go in completely spoiler free, it makes it even cooler, so I’m not going to be the asshole to tell you. They did an American remake that’s pretty close to the original (it was made by the same director), so if you absolutely must watch it in colour and in English then the option exists, but don’t be lame. Just watch the original.

I Saw the Devil
(South Korea, 2010)

Before Kim Ji-woon made his American directorial debut with The Last Stand (an unfortunate misuse of his talents), he directed this modern masterpiece. The premise seems pretty simple at first (a cop tracks down a serial killer after the killer makes it personal) but then we get an interesting twist: the cop relentlessly tracks, beats, tortures, and maims our villain only to keep releasing him so he can beat him some more (with unfortunate consequences for all involved). Never let it be said that Koreans don’t know how to make revenge films (see also: Oldboy, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, both of which could also have easily made this list). There’s a gruesome scene involving an Achilles tendon and a sharp object that makes me cringe every time I even think about it, a darkly humorous moment with a screwdriver, and so much brutality throughout that I couldn’t leave it off this list. Never mind the shitty “jumpy-loud-noise” scares of bullshit modern horror like The Conjuring or those Paranormal Activity movies, this is that creepy, uncomfortable and unsettling horror that stays with you some time after the movie is over.

So there you go, 5 different movies to watch beyond the usual crap we always end up watching at this time of year. The downside to all of these movies is that your girlfriend isn’t going to cutely grip your arm and hide her face in your chest while you watch them and then fuck you when it’s all over. They’re just going to be pissed that you made them watch these with you. Of course, if they do want to fuck you after watching any one of these… they’re a keeper. A weird, disturbed keeper. My kind of woman.

Buckley vs Some Woman

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on September 2, 2013 by adoseofbuckley

 

Sometimes I take time out of my busy schedule of fighting with trolls on my videos to fight with people in other places. Apparently I might be a little confrontational. So, this happened this weekend…

The story so far:

A local radio station, on their Facebook page, posted a picture from Billy Madison. The caption discussed how Siskel and Ebert gave the movie a very poor review. The point of course was that the movie is very well liked and went on to make Adam Sandler a major star after his run on SNL. A woman then commented on the photo, calling Siskel and Ebert (or maybe just Ebert? Siskel was always pretty skinny, especially now… too soon?) “Overweight faggots”. I responded, sarcastically praising her for speaking up for the cultured and intelligent cinema fans, and said that I hope she teaches her baby (her profile picture included her with a baby) the proper use of the word “faggot” and that maybe it’ll be the child’s first word and that she’d be so proud. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a screen grab of this before the radio station deleted the comment. However, the woman then sent me a private message. This is the ensuing battle of wits. I’ll let you score the bout.

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The Ten Worst Songs of 2012: What NOT to Expect

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on December 15, 2012 by adoseofbuckley

So, you’ve watched “The Ten Worst Songs of 2012” and you took it far too seriously, and now you want to know why certain songs aren’t on the list. That’s why you’re here right? Well then, hopefully the answer you’re looking for is here.

 

Psy – Gangnam Style

To be honest, I don’t know if the lyrics to “Gangnam Style” are stupid, because I don’t understand Korean. If you look at the Korean to English translations, they seem a little odd, but literal translations from most languages to other languages don’t make any sense. I can only imagine what a song like “Black & Yellow” translates to in Korean, and how little sense it makes to Koreans (not that it makes a ton of sense here either). Including foreign songs just leaves me open to three things:

  1. Being called a racist (though I’m used to it, because people are morons and don’t know what that word means)

  2. Being told I don’t understand what the fuck I’m talking about (and in this case, they’d potentially be right, my knowledge of Koreans is that they’re crazy about Starcraft and films about brutal revenge, that’s pretty much it)

  3. Being criticized for not talking about other foreign songs (and rightfully so, the second I include one K-Pop song, I guess I need to review them all, as well as J-Pop songs, songs from Europe, Africa, South America, Latin America… and I have no intentions of doing that)

Gangnam Style isn’t hated because of any of the lyrics (because no one knows what he’s saying) or the music (it’s pretty standard pop/dance stuff), it’s hated because it was a viral video that became very overplayed everywhere. If you had to hear the same Mozart song 6 times a day, 7 days a week, for 3 months, you’d be pretty fucking sick of it too. Actual Koreans and people that are into K-Pop tell me that the song is making fun of “swag” and people pretending to act rich, ripping on people that think they’re better than others when they are clearly fakes. Seems like a pretty good message to me.

 

Double Take – Hot Problems, Nicole Westbrook – It’s Thanksgiving, or any other “viral” sensation.

The full title of my video should really be “The Ten Worst Songs of 2012 That Were Made by Professional Recording Artists and That Charted on Billboard”, but that’s too long, and should be implied anyway. I mentioned in last year’s “what not to expect” post, when I omitted Rebecca Black’s “Friday” that I won’t ever include viral videos made by some nobody that became famous. If I included even one of these songs, that means my list really should be just me cutting up a bunch of amateurs on YouTube… wannabe rappers, emo garage bands, girls who can’t sing covering pop artists… and I’d look like a bully, and the list wouldn’t be entertaining at all because no one would know who any of these people are. I also believe that no matter what, bad songs that have charted are automatically worse than anything else, because far more people are exposed to them and their shitty messages. Some kid horribly singing about Thanksgiving will never be worse than a song that gets airplay on MTV, radio stations across the country, in malls, at sporting events, and everywhere else, advocating whoring it up, drug use, and being an irresponsible piece of shit. YOLO though, right?

 

Any song I’ve already done a “Musical Autopsy” for

Last year this was a rule. This year, I broke the rule. Here’s the problem… in 2011, I did 4 musical autopsies, and one was of a song from 2010 that I had already included on that year’s list, so I only had to worry about 3 songs. Because the feature became so popular, I did more in 2012… 6 artists and I believe 7 qualifying songs were “autopsied”. So… there’s a little overlap (I won’t say which one(s) if you haven’t seen the video yet). Regardless, if it was in a Musical Autopsy, and it didn’t make the list, consider it a runner up.

 

Any song by Blood on the Dance Floor

Who the fuck are these guys? I get so many requests to talk about BOTDF, but here’s the problem: I have more subscribers than their official YouTube channel, and many of my videos have more views than a lot of their videos. Go ahead, see for yourself, their user name is “officialbotdf”. Is your local radio station (commercial radio, not college/campus radio) actually playing these guys? If so, their music director is an idiot. Not because they’re awful (I have no idea what they sound like, I’ve honestly never heard a song by them, and I never will unless it happens organically, if they actually have a hit), but because they are nobody. Radio survives by playing hits, by pandering to the masses. If a music director put them in rotation, they’re basically saying “change the channel”. The idea behind every element on the radio, every song, every time the DJ comes on air, is to try and get you to KEEP listening to drag you through spot sets (commercials). If the DJ says “coming up after the break, we’ve got Blood on the Dance Floor”, you’re going to say “who? I’m not listening through 3 minutes of commercials for that!” and you’re going to change the channel. SO… if I put them on my list, first of all I went out of my way to listen to them (breaking another rule of my own about the list, I only include songs I heard organically, either through work, while at the gym, on the radio, or though other “offline” means), and second, I’m now bullying some nobody.

 

Any song by Lady Gaga

People love to hate Lady Gaga, and maybe this would have been her year to appear on the list… if she actually put out a song. Lady Gaga did not put out a song in 2012. Not one. Her most recent single was “Marry the Night”, released in November of 2011, which really didn’t do anything on the charts in 2012, so she doesn’t have a single song that qualifies. Sorry Gaga haters, you’ll have to wait until next year to see if she puts out a song stupid enough to crack the bottom 10.

 

Any song by Pitbull

I’ve seen a number of comments about how awful Pitbull is and how he should be on the list… First, Pitbull had 3 songs in 2012, so anyone that says “Pitbull should be the entire top 10!” is an idiot, so would 1 of his songs be on the list 4 times and 2 of them be on 3 times, or how would that work? Second, I just find him too generic to get worked up over. None of his songs in 2012 cracked the top 10, only two made the top 40, and only 1 of them was certified in the US (“Back in Time” went 3x platinum, most likely because of the tie-in with Men In Black III). If you don’t like Pitbull, that’s fine, like what you want to like, hate what you want to hate, but in my opinion there were 10 songs put out this year that were worse than the three Pitbull put out.

 

Any song that I can’t find anything funny to say about

Again, keep in mind this is all for the sake of comedy, and there’s a reason why I’m now known as the guy who does this… search “Worst Songs of 2011” on YouTube. My video has nearly 3 million views, everyone else ranges from 300 views to 40,000 views. Not to sound arrogant, but you’re not listening to this and sharing it with people because of the songs themselves, it’s what I say about them. If the list was me saying “#10 – [Insert song here] This song sucks because it’s repetitive and boring and it’s stupid… #9 – [Insert song here] I hate this song, it sucks and is annoying… #8 – [Insert song here] I didn’t like this song, it was stupid”… I’d have no fan base. You want to be entertained, and that’s not entertaining. Don’t take this list super serious, don’t say things like “Oh, this should be #4, not #6” or “why isn’t [insert your least favourite song] on the list instead of [insert some song you didn’t think was all that bad]”, just enjoy the comedy. Or don’t. Whatever.

The Ten Worst Songs of 2011

Posted in A Dose of Buckley with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 16, 2011 by adoseofbuckley

My annual list of the Ten Worst Songs of 2011 is up. Nothing more needs to be said… just watch.

The Ten Worst Songs of 2011: What NOT to Expect

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on December 5, 2011 by adoseofbuckley

Alright, so my Ten Worst Songs of 2011 video will be posted probably within the next 14 days. And once it’s up, I expect to hear a lot of “Why isn’t ____________ on it!?”. Well, I can’t please everyone, but keep in mind why I feel my opinion on this subject matters: I work with music every day. I’m not someone who THINKS they’re an expert when it comes to mainstream music… I AM an expert when it comes to mainstream music. It’s my full time job. The songs I’ve put on the list are songs I’ve heard dozens, well over a hundred times, it’s not just some song I heard and said “that’s annoying, it’s going on the list”. That said, sorry if your least favourite song doesn’t make the video, but I think you’ll be happy with the end result. In the meantime, here’s a preview of what NOT to expect:

REBECCA BLACK:

I’ve already stated this once in video form, and countless times in comments… I do not recognize Rebecca Black as a legitimate artist. She is an internet sensation, and to add her opens the floodgates. The Ten Worst Songs of every year moving forward would just be a bunch of shitty viral videos… some little girl with rich parents who paid to make a shitty video, some guy who can’t rap but thinks he can, a dipshit screamo band, etc… that’s useless, there’s nothing funny or enjoyable about that video. My video should be titled “The Ten Worst Songs of 2011 Performed by Artists Who Actually Have Charted On Billboard And Have Record Contracts” but that title is too long. So, no viral Internet sensations will make the list.

 

LMFAO:

In a “Musical Autopsy” video I made about LMFAO, I said that LMFAO can’t be held to the same standards as other artists, because they’re not meant to be heard on the radio, they’re not top 40 artists, they’re club artists. If I include LMFAO, I should include every other club artist, which means that “We No Speak Americano” song by Yolanda Be Cool should make a list, because it’s pretty dumb, “Barbra Streisand” by Duck Sauce should make the list… and again, the list just becomes a list of stupid club songs. If you want to hear me make fun of LMFAO, go watch that video linked above, but they won’t make the list.

 

ANY SONG I ALREADY DID A MUSICAL AUTOPSY OF:

I’ve been pretty careful not to show my hand this year. Though I did Musical Autopsies this year of Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” and Bruno Mars’ “Grenade“, and I do consider them to be awful songs, they didn’t make the Ten Worst of the Year. Consider them somewhere in the top 20.

LADY GAGA:

Lady Gaga is too generic for me to add to these lists (which sounds funny because she’s fucking weird and not really generic at all in terms of her personality or style). Maybe eventually she’ll make a list, she’s got the potential when she breaks out nonsense lyrics like she did in “Just Dance” (which probably WOULD have made a list of mine had I done one in 2008) or the start of “Bad Romance”, but to be honest, she doesn’t spark any real emotion in me either way, positive or negative.

ROCK:

The “your a raciss!” crowd complained that last year’s list was all rap (it wasn’t) and all black artists (it wasn’t). This year’s list gets a little more diverse actually, and includes a “rock” song (more of a pop rock song but it’s a band that plays actual instruments, in fact two “bands” appear on the list this year). It also includes country, pop, and yes… hip hop and rap. That’s what’s popular these days. If rock music was more popular, there would be a much better chance of more rock appearing on these lists, but it’s not. I think Coldplay sucks… that make you happy? And if I put a Nickelback song on the list, I’d just get accused of being lazy since it’s just too hip to hate Nickelback (and they’re another band who really just sparks no emotion in me either way, which is actually the worst thing you can do as an artist… you want people to love you or hate you. If people are just apathetic towards you, that’s the worst).

I think it’s safe to assume the video will be up no later than the 19th. In the meantime, go back and watch last year’s video again, or enjoy the last two years of my material at my YouTube Channel and my Website (the latter includes a lot more of my early work, and mp3s you can download so you can take my voice with you on road trips, bus rides, or to the gym… might be weird to work out to me ranting but who knows, it might be motivating?).

A Dose of Buckley #59 – Facebook Changes

Posted in A Dose of Buckley with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 23, 2011 by adoseofbuckley

This week, Facebook made some changes to their layout, and like every time Facebook makes a change, major, minor, or somewhere in between, people immediately cry and ask for it to be changed back, and make ridiculous threats like “I’m quitting, they’ll lose so much money!”. Sorry… WHAT money will they lose? And you do realize how little Facebook means in the grand scheme of things right? Buckley takes on the crybabies in this week’s Dose of Buckley.