The Marvel vs Fox Conspiracy

If you’ve followed my work for any amount of time, you could probably at least take a guess that I dislike conspiracies, and you’d be right. Mostly I just dislike the people who believe in conspiracies, because they always seem to be bizarre weirdos that you wouldn’t take seriously even if they weren’t talking out of their ass about ridiculous, paranoid theories.

Every group has conspiracy theorists, and nerds are no exception (in fact they’re pretty much the rule). And one conspiracy lately is that Marvel is “sabotaging” their own characters in comic form, specifically characters they don’t own the movie rights to (Wolverine and the rest of the X-Men, Deadpool, and the Fantastic Four) in an attempt to drive down interest in the movie properties. You see, Fox owns the rights to these characters, and they aren’t interested in giving them up (The Wolverine made over $400 mil and X-Men: Days of Future Past made nearly $750 mil, so you can understand why they might consider keeping them). Marvel wants them back. So the conspiracy, you see, is that Marvel is fucking up the characters in the comics intentionally. People will then say “oh, that character sucks now, I don’t care about them, so I’m not going to go watch that movie”. Then what will happen in this fantasy world is that no one will go see the movies based on these characters that Marvel has killed or made unenjoyable in some way, and Fox will say “oh, these characters aren’t selling anymore, I guess we’ll just sell them back to Marvel!” and then Marvel will be able to reboot the characters and add them to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and order will be restored. There are just two tiny little flaws in this plan… 1) no one cares about comics, and 2) movies now help drive comic sales, not the other way around.

I’ve addressed the “no one cares about comics” thing before, but let’s go over it again with a different example. In early 2014, Wolverine comics (the series leading up to the “Death of Wolverine”) sold roughly 40,000 copies. When you consider that it’s generally the same people reading a serialized version of a comic, it means roughly the same 40,000 people show up every month to see what’s going on in Wolverine’s world. Now, let’s take $400 mil (the amount of ticket sales for The Wolverine) and divide it by $15 (a slightly high average price for a movie ticket) and you get a number of 26,666,667. That means nearly 27 million tickets sold. Even if every person went and saw it twice (which didn’t happen), you’ve got a little over 13 million people who watched The Wolverine in theatres. 13 million people vs 40,000. Even if Marvel’s supposed tactics of killing Wolverine off in order to destroy interest in the character affected those 40,000 people… even if it affected 165,000 people (the number of copies sold of Death of Wolverine #4, the final issue of the series in which Wolverine bites the big one), that leaves easily 12,840,000 people who are still potentially going to see a Wolverine movie based on this flawed math in which I’m totally downplaying how many people actually watched a movie about Wolverine. It’s a drop in the bucket. That’d only be $2,475,000 of lost revenue (Let’s just say $5 million if they all saw it twice) against $400 million. And this is for one of their lesser selling films, do this example with X-Men (using Days of Future Past’s sales) and you’ll see an even better example. Fox won’t give a shit, that’s not going to be reason enough for them to sell the rights back to Marvel.

The truth of it is… Marvel kills its characters off all the time in order to make money, and in fact uses these movies, whether they own them or not, as springboards to bring them back to the comic world. First, you kill the character, hyping it up for several months before, which drives sales (again, only 40,000 copies of Wolverine’s comic were being sold, which spiked during his death to around 4x that amount). They did it with the Amazing Spider-man, the rights of that character being owned by Sony (Sony, in case you were wondering, is not Marvel. Completely different spelling and everything). In issue #700 of The Amazing Spider-Man, they “killed” Peter Parker, which resulted in sales of over 200,000 issues (before that, they were doing around 50,000 – 60,000 copies sold per month). Then, just in time for the launch of “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” film, with interest in the mainstream at peak levels, they brought Peter back from the dead with a relaunch, selling well over half a million copies, their biggest sale in years (it’s settled back into a comfortable range around the 100,000 issues per month mark). It’s all over the Internet right now that they’re going to kill off Deadpool in issue #45 (which, according to some shoddy math that ignores a few issues for convenience sake, will be Deadpool’s 250^th issue if you add up all of the different series he’s had), and they’re canceling the Fantastic Four comic, which has the conspiracy theorists once again claiming sabotage by Marvel. Deadpool and the Fantastic Four have movies coming out soon, and Marvel has a few fiscal quarters to pad. SO, if they can get the casuals to buy up Deadpool’s “death” issue and the Fantastic Four’s grand finale, and then get them to buy the relaunch in a year or so when their movies come out, they’re laughing all the way to the bank no matter who’s releasing the movie. Of course I’m sure they’d love to have the movie rights to their characters back again, but I guess they should have thought about that when they were hurting for cash and sold them in the first place!

And how come this theory doesn’t apply to the characters they own? Marvel has the rights to the Avengers, and yet they’ve made some pretty dramatic changes to those characters in the last few months. The Falcon is now the new Captain America, with Steve Rogers becoming a de-powered old man. The character of Thor is now a woman, with the original Thor (the Odinson) deemed unfit to wield his own hammer. Iron Man is now a prick… well, ok, not that dramatic of a change, but far more of a prick than he’s been in a while. For some reason, these same conspiracy theorists will tell you that THIS is all for sales, and that all of these characters will be restored just in time for their films. Funny how that works… no no, they’re killing off Deadpool and Wolverine, two of their most popular characters, to fuck over Fox, but they made Thor a woman to temporarily boost sales and then to boost them again when they have the original Thor take over again. Makes perfect sense… if you’re a drooling paranoid delusional moron.

As for people claiming that the X-Men comics are getting shittier and that they’re doing that on purpose to lower interest… have you ever thought that maybe the simple answer is that it has nothing to do with the movies and they just suck because they suck? It wouldn’t make any sense for them to just sabotage the comic so that no one will read them, the only company that really loses on that deal is Marvel themselves. Then they don’t see any revenue from the movies OR the comics.

There is no conspiracy. If that was Marvel’s plan, it would fail horribly. The audience for the films is NOT the same audience who buys comics. The comic buying audience only represents a tiny, miniscule, insignificant fraction of the movie-going public. You may believe differently because that little fraction is very noisy on the Internet, but you need to understand that you’re not the target audience. You’re the guaranteed audience. They know you’re in. Their goal is to convince everyone else to come see a movie about people in weird costumes saving the world from people in weirder costumes, and nothing they do in the comics will be a deterrent to those people… unless they force them to read the comics to understand the movie. Then they’re out.

The Ten Worst Songs of 20xx – The Rules

Every year I post a list of songs that won’t be appearing in my video counting down the Ten Worst Songs of 20xx. This year, I’ve decided not to do this, because for the most part a song doesn’t make the list because of the same 3 reasons:

1. I didn’t think the song was worse than the 10 I chose (people often make a big deal about some pretty bland, boring songs)
2. The song didn’t even come out or get popular that year (people often make this mistake)
3. There’s nothing interesting or funny to say about the song (the list is still supposed to be a piece of entertainment, otherwise I could just spend 5 minutes compiling a list, post it and be done)

I do however have a set of rules and guidelines that I’ve created for myself to help decide what should and shouldn’t be on the list.

THE RULES:

#1: I can break any of my own rules whenever I feel it is necessary

#2: If there is no possible way that a song would have been known if it hadn’t gone viral on YouTube and social media (the song was not officially released as a single by an already established North American artist) it is not eligible for the list of the worst songs of the year

• #2a: If a song goes viral, but it’s by an established artist, this rule may be relaxed (example: Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse” was not an officially released single when it got popular, but would have been eligible regardless)
• #2b: The song must be heard by me somewhere in the “wild” (this includes on radio or TV, or in a public venue like a shopping mall, gym, sporting event, etc.) and cannot be played “as a joke”, or be introduced on radio or TV by suggesting that the only reason it’s being played is because it is something popular on the Internet

NOTE: These rules are meant to keep songs like “Selfie”, “Harlem Shake”, “Friday”, “The Fox”, and “Hot Problems” off the list, as well as covers or original songs performed by amateurs

#3: The song either had to be released during the same year as the list, or have peaked in popularity during the same year as the list.

#4: Holiday songs are not eligible (all holiday songs are awful and would just clog up the list every year)

#5: Songs written specifically for movie/TV/video game soundtracks are not eligible (some exceptions may apply, see Rule #1)

#6: Instrumental songs, or songs with minimal lyrics (examples: “Martin Garrix – Animals”, “DJ Snake ft. Lil Jon – Turn Down For What”) are not eligible

• #6a: Songs created specifically for clubs are not eligible. This would also clog up the list with a bunch of EDM with no interesting or comedic points to be made about it other than it’s “annoying”

#7: Covers are not eligible, however songs that include interpolation or sampling are eligible

#8: Not necessarily a rule, but generally if I’ve already ranted about a song in a Musical Autopsy, it doesn’t appear in the Ten Worst Songs list (some exceptions apply, as always, see Rule #1)

#9: A song being “overplayed” is not a good enough reason for it to make the list

There may be a few more (these were never written down previously, they were only in my head), but it all boils down to this: if you feel a song should have been on the list and you’re upset about it not being on the list, you’re taking this too seriously (even more seriously than the guy who just posted a list of rules for creating a list of the worst songs of the year). I picked 10 shitty songs to make jokes about, it’s the opinion of one guy (who happens to hear pretty much every single released every year), you’re allowed to think other songs should have been on the list, but don’t cry if my opinions aren’t the exact same as your opinions. You’re upset that “Jason Derulo – Talk Dirty” wasn’t on my list? Make your own list, put it on it. Problem solved.

An Open Letter to The Amazing Atheist and Scotty of the Drunken Peasants Podcast

Hello Amazing Atheist and Scotty (I don’t know if you have a cool little nickname, I’ve never heard of you before this, so forgive me for using your first name if that’s not what you normally go by). I’m Buckley.

Recently, your podcast featured a segment where you dissected a video of mine, my 4/20 video from 2013. This resulted in a bunch of people from your audience tweeting me and asking me to watch it, and although I generally don’t watch other things on YouTube (I’ve been aware of the Amazing Atheist for some time but I’ve never actually watched any of your videos), being the narcissist that I am (it’s a video about me!), I suffered through the 15 or 20 minutes of you guys stopping and starting my video to call me an idiot and to make disparaging remarks about my success, with the Amazing Atheist going so far as to tell his audience that they have to choose between himself or me because he doesn’t want subscribers who are also subscribed to me. Considering you are partnered and you make money off of your channel, I would consider this a bad idea from a business standpoint, but I assume this statement was made a) in the heat of the moment, and b) to make you seem like you “don’t care” (edgy = cool!), so I won’t dwell on it further. Since your video was posted, I’ve had a few requests (which my audience should know I don’t take) to come onto your show and debate you, with you referencing these requests in your most recent podcast.

I have no interest in coming on your show or debating you anywhere for a number of reasons:

1. Any intelligent person should know better than to fight someone on their own turf. The deck is stacked right from the beginning. As I told some guy who has tweeted me pretty much every day since you discussed me on your show, the challenger to the President doesn’t go debate him at the White House with his own people as moderators.
2. I have no interest in some sort of petty Internet “feud” (for me, this ends at the end of this letter)
3. I have no interest appearing on a show where you will profit from my appearance. Your “Drunken Peasants” podcast appears to have no fewer than 5 ads in a 2 hour period, as well as a persistent ad throughout for things such as Audible. For me to come on the show, and presumably tell my audience about it so they’ll watch, in order for you to make extra money off my appearance, is not something I’m interested in
4. There is no actual reason to debate (either on your show or anywhere). What we have is a difference of opinion, and neither of us repeating ourselves over and over will change those opinions

Let’s focus on #4, since it’s really the most important reason. In my 420 video, the part that you seem to have the biggest issue with is that I refer to “addicts” as “pieces of shit”. This isn’t a “debatable” topic, this is my opinion based on knowing addicts and being around substance abusers in the past. Alcoholics, people who smoke weed, did coke, I knew a guy who fucking loved Special K (and I’m not talking about the breakfast cereal), my opinions don’t come from living a sheltered life. I will defend you from my fans or the “trolls” or whoever it is you said claimed that you didn’t understand me… you understood me alright. I believe that addicts are weak and pathetic, and that people who smoke weed and celebrate the fact that they are addicted to a substance are no exception, regardless of how harmless you believe it to be. If I knew someone who couldn’t make it through the day without putting rainbow stickers all over their body and then barking at a parking meter, I would feel the same way, despite the fact that it doesn’t harm them or anyone else and is easier to quit than other activities. And just as you have the right to do what you want, I have the right to speak that opinion. That’s what’s great about living in North America. Land of the free, home of the entitled.

I believe that people who enjoy the odd joint or a glass of wine every now and then are fine, but if a person feels the need to smoke weed or drink alcohol or take any sort of substance in order to enjoy themselves more or to get through a day, that they are pathetic. I worked with a guy who literally could not go through a day without getting high while at work. He had no medicinal reason for this, he was suffering from no afflictions, he simply felt that he couldn’t make it through a day without smoking weed. It’s my opinion that this person is a pathetic loser. You don’t feel this way, and made that very clear. You feel that a person shouldn’t be judged if they feel the need to get drunk or high on a daily or perhaps even hourly basis. I feel differently. What’s left to debate? Why we feel the way we do? Neither of us are psychologists (unless Scotty has a PhD, again I don’t know who he is), so that is pointless. There are numerous potential reasons including values taught in the home, values taught at school, the people we grew up around, the choices we’ve made as adults, the choices other influential adults made while we were children, and we aren’t going to sort that out in between ads for whatever bullshit YouTube is trying to sell so you can make a few extra dollars while I appear on your show as you both take turns attempting to make me look foolish in front of your audience.

If it makes you feel better, since one of your issues is that I attack people using narcotics and alcohol at home by themselves, I think it’s equally pathetic for people to go out with friends and get high or wasted every night. It may also make you feel better to know that I think weed should be legalized and taxed the same way that cigarettes and alcohol are. As a Canadian who enjoys government health care, more tax dollars means more Doctors which means less time waiting for appointments. And since marijuana supposedly has no health risks (and is believed to be some sort of miracle cure by some misguided individuals), those tax dollars won’t be utilized by the weed smokers who are just in their homes not bothering anyone, being all healthy and whatnot. Your weakness is my next free physical!

I’m actually not even sure why you’re offended by me calling junkies pathetic (or by me calling substance abusers, which you both freely admitted to being, “junkies”). Why do you care? Who am I? My opinion is meaningless, right? According to you guys I’m some guy who shouldn’t even have the subscribers I have, so what difference does it make? Some nobody called you pathetic. Here’s an example: I like to read comics. I bet that somewhere today, someone called someone else who reads comics “pathetic”. You know what I didn’t do? Spend 20 minutes on the Internet crying about it, and then try and goad them into a debate about why they feel my hobby is “pathetic”. That’s their opinion and they’re welcome to it. I’m still going to read comics, and they’re still going to be judgmental about it, and we’ll both continue living our lives, meaningless as they are, until we’re dead and ascend to the kingdom of heaven or descend to the pits of hell (hah, no I’m kidding, we rot in the ground or get burned and stuffed in a jar. Hooray for common ground, right?)

Oh, and Scotty (I feel like I’m leaving you out a little here), since you ummed and awwed about my point about marijuana not actually being natural and compared it to vegetables not being “natural” anymore (GMOs, pesticides, whatever), I thought I’d take a moment to tell you that I’m very well aware of that and don’t give a shit. It’s things like that that make people say you were “strawmanning” me. “Man, I’ve totally got him!” (now I’m doing it…) “all those vegetables he eats, he probably thinks they’re natural, so he’s just a fucking hypocrite!” Yep! You got me! Man! I see things so clearly now! I honestly don’t know what you meant to accomplish there, but I regret to inform you that whatever result you intended didn’t come to fruition.

So, there will be no debate. It would be pointless; no one’s minds will be changed, nothing will be learned, and nothing will be gained (besides revenue for you). Our opinions on the subject of substance abuse are what they are, and nothing will change them.

I wish you continued success with your YouTube channel(s).

Buckley

Amazing Spider-man – A Primer for the Relaunch

Amazing Spider-man #1 hits comic book store shelves this week, rebooting the series… sort of (but not really). See, Marvel likes to relaunch comics and start over at #1 because casual fans will buy it (it’s more accessible than buying issue #732, thinking you have to buy 731 issues to know what’s going on), and it gives them an excuse to put out an issue with about half a dozen variant covers (only $5 each for the same comic with a different cover! $10+ if the guy at the comic store is a dick and is immediately charging extra for variants). The Amazing Spider-man comic re-launches just in time to capitalize on the theatrical release of The Amazing Spider-man 2, but it’s really not a true reboot or relaunch at all… it begins with the aftermath of Superior Spider-man, a title that launched to deal with the aftermath of Amazing Spider-man #700. Confused? Of course you are. How anyone manages to get into comics is beyond me. So, to try and help you out, allow me to give you my sarcasm-filled recap of the highs and lows of the last 50 years of Spider-man.

 

NOTE: This should go without saying, but there is going to be a lot of spoilers. A LOT. That’s the idea. I’m about to save you from having to read like 800 or so issues of comic books.

 

 

Amazing Fantasy #15 – Peter Parker gets bullied by Flash Thompson, bit by a radioactive spider, makes a costume and web-shooters, wins a pro wrestling match, becomes an entertainer on TV, lets a thief get away, finds out that thief killed his Uncle Ben, and decides to use his powers only for good, all in only 20 pages. These days, that would be a 20 issue story arc.

 

Amazing Spider-man #1-#10 – Peter gets sidetracked with the whole “using his powers for good” thing when he tries to beat up the Fantastic Four so that they’d let him join their group, tries to steal Johnny Storm’s girlfriend, and ignores a police gunfight so he can get some medicine for Aunt May. Oh, and he beats up the Lizard, Doctor Octopus, the Chameleon, The Vulture (twice), Sandman, and Electro. They didn’t waste much time getting all of his most important villains established.

 

Amazing Spider-man #31 – Peter meets Gwen Stacy. Sorry about your luck, Gwen.

 

Amazing Spider-man #50 – Peter quits being Spider-man for what would be the first of about a dozen or so times. In the same issue he also becomes Spider-man again. Seriously, they’d stretch that to 30 issues now.

 

Amazing Spider-man #90 – Captain Stacy (Gwen’s dad) dies, and in his dying moments, asks Peter to take care of Gwen. You bet on the wrong pony, cap’n!

 

Amazing Spider-man #100-#102 – Spider-man grows 6 arms and fights a vampire. Seriously, they’ve retconned or ignored like half the things that ever happened to Spider-man (you’ll see) and THIS wasn’t one of them?!

 

Amazing Spider-man #121-#122 – Gwen Stacy is killed by the Green Goblin. Spider-man really shit the bed on that one. Then the Green Goblin “dies” while trying to kill Spider-man. “Dies” is in quotes because Spider-man bad guys never stay dead.

 

Amazing Spider-man #129 – The first appearance of the Punisher. This has nothing to do with anything… the Punisher is just awesome.

 

Amazing Spider-man #136 – Harry Osborn, son of Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin, becomes the second Green Goblin. And people bitched about the symbiotes.

 

Amazing Spider-man #137-#237 – 100 issues of a whole lot of nothing important (well that’s not entirely true, Peter and Mary Jane start dating at some point, and… I don’t know, probably a bunch of B-listers get introduced).

 

Amazing Spider-man #238 – The first appearance of Hobgoblin. Once again, “and people bitched about the symbiotes.”

 

Amazing Spider-man #252 – The first appearance of Spider-man’s new black suit, which he picked up during the Secret Wars series. You see, his costume got ripped, and so he found this alien machine that he thought was a costume maker, and this goop spread all over him and turned into a black Spider-man suit, because he was thinking about Spider-woman’s black suit. Yep, he wanted to dress more like a woman. Pretty progressive stuff for the 80’s…

 

Web of Spider-man #1 – Another Spider-man series launches (there was also “Spectacular Spider-man” already running at the same time) with Spider-man removing the symbiote by using a church bell. It works, but he misses the black suit so he gets a new one made and wears it for a while until Mary Jane tells him to stop (he can lift a car but he can’t stand up to a girl).

 

Amazing Spider-man Annual #21 – Peter and Mary Jane get married! Little did whoever wrote this know, they’d retcon it about 250 issues later. Oh well.

 

Amazing Spider-man #293-294 and crossovers – Kraven’s Last Hunt. The best Spider-man story ever, and anyone who says differently is so very wrong. Kraven “kills” Spider-man (but not really, because, then what would they sell? More Iron Fist and Moon Knight comics? I think not), then wears his costume to prove he’d be better as Spider-man, then kills himself. I don’t think that sells it, but it’s better than it sounds.

 

Amazing Spider-man #300 – The first appearance of Venom. We find out that the symbiote bonded with Eddie Brock, who was at the church when Spider-man removed it from himself. Venom knows that Peter is Spider-man (they were pretty close, what with the symbiote being inside him and all) and Eddie Brock hates Peter Parker because a picture he took proved a story he wrote wrong. This, by the way, had very little setup, Eddie Brock was introduced in like 2 issues, and we’re just supposed to pretend that this happened in the earlier issues and they knew they were going to do this all along.

 

Amazing Spider-man #301-#393 – Spider-man fights Venom like 3 or 4 more times. Carnage is introduced, because if everyone loves Venom, why wouldn’t they love a red version too? And not much else happens. Which you’d think would be bad, except it’s about to get a whole lot worse…

 

Amazing Spider-man #394-#418 and crossovers – The Clone Saga! It turns out there’s a clone of Peter! OR, is Peter the clone? Who knows, because the story is an incoherent mess of plot holes and dragged-on storylines to sell more issues (there were 5 different Spider-man books at this point, and you had to buy each one to keep up with the story, which lasted like 2 years… I’m glad Marvel doesn’t do that anymore. I SAID I’M GLAD YOU DON’T DO THAT ANYMORE, MARVEL! DON’T DO IT AGAIN!)

 

Amazing Spider-man #419-#441 – Norman Osborn reappears, back from the dead. Or he wasn’t ever really dead. Whatever.

 

Amazing Spider-man #1-58 – Wait what? Yeah, that’s right, they relaunched Spider-man once before. It didn’t really take though because fans were pissed off, so they started putting two numbers on each comic: the new number, and what would be the old number (so for example, #58 also had #499 on it in smaller print) which led to…

 

Amazing Spider-man #500 – The fans get what they want, and the original numbering returns.

 

Amazing Spider-man #525-#528 and crossovers – “The Other”. Spider-man dies, and then is reborn in a cocoon or something, and develops night vision and spikes that come out of his arms. This is never brought up again. Seriously. He died and was reborn as some sort of Spider-Wolverine combo, and no one ever mentioned it again.

Amazing Spider-man #529-#538 – Civil War! Spider-man unmasks because of the Super Hero Registration Act (like gun control for people), then becomes a traitor and fights for Captain America’s side (Cap opposes the registration act, even though everyone knows who he is already. He’s just that selfless). Everyone always wondered: what would happen if Spider-man was unmasked and all of his enemies knew who he was? What would happen to his personal life? What would happen to his family? How long would we have to wait to find out? About 1 issue.

 

Amazing Spider-man #539-#543 – Back in Black. Aunt May gets shot by a sniper at the end of the Civil War arc (hired by The Kingpin) who was trying to shoot Peter Parker. Spider-man puts the black costume on again because now he’s mad (and mad Spider-man wears black). He kicks the ever-lovin’ shit out of the Kingpin, but it doesn’t matter because everyone knows who Spider-man is. EVERYONE.

 

Amazing Spider-man #544-545 and crossovers – One More Day. Aunt May is dying (sniper bullet, remember?) and so he makes a deal with the devil (well, Mephisto, who isn’t the devil, he lives in hell and controls it… but not the devil), and trades his and Mary Jane’s love (yep, you can trade “love” with the devil, oops, not the devil, Mephisto) for Aunt May’s life and the return of his secret identity (no one on Earth will know Peter is Spider-man). Later on we find out that second part was Doctor Strange’s doing. Somehow. Whatever. The point is that Mary Jane and Peter aren’t married anymore. In fact they were NEVER married (just forget that ever happened). This gets addressed in Amazing Spider-man #638-#641. So if you are going to purchase the new Spider-man comics thinking that Peter and Mary Jane are a thing… they’re not.

 

Amazing Spider-man #574 – Flash Thompson’s legs make their final appearance.

 

Amazing Spider-man #600 – Aunt May gets married to J. Jonah Jameson Sr. Yeah, JJJ’s dad. Oh and J. Jonah Jameson is mayor by now I think. I forget. He becomes mayor of New York though around this time.

 

Amazing Spider-man #612-637 – The Gauntlet, Shed, and Grim Hunt. SO, here’s the short version of this: The Kraven family are pissed at what happened way back in Amazing Spider-man #294. Seriously, get over it, that was over 300 issues ago. Anyway, they put Spider-man through a battery of tests, setting up fights with pretty much every A-lister he’s ever fought (and then some), including a fight with Lizard where the Lizard eats his own son. He ate his SON. Who’s the most bad ass Spidey villain of all time? THAT guy. SO, all of this is designed to wear down Spidey so that he can be hunted by the other Kraven family members, so that they can use his blood to resurrect their patriarch, the original Kraven the Hunter (because that’s just how it works). They get the wrong Spider-man (Scarlet Spider, clone of Peter from the Clone Saga mess a couple hundred issues ago), the resurrected Kraven isn’t happy, Spider-man somehow wins, I forget how this ended.

 

Amazing Spider-man #654 – Eugene “Flash” Thompson (now a pretty cruel nickname for a guy with no legs) becomes “Agent” Venom, a government controlled super-solider using the Venom symbiote. Previously Scorpion was Venom (he can be both! Why not!?). What happened to Eddie Brock being Venom? Well, he lost Venom and got cancer and then became Anti-Venom (a white Venom), and then something happened to that and now he’s a different symbiote (Toxin). Seriously, they’re going to release Spider-man #1 again and you’re supposed to already know all of this shit!

 

Amazing Spider-man #682-#687 – Ends of the Earth. Doctor Octopus is dying from getting beat up too much. Yeah, that’s what they said. SO, as his final legacy, he says he’s going to save the Earth. Oh, except he’s actually going to speed up global warming, and kill a lot of people. Like, all of them. That’ll make everyone remember him! Anyway, he gets stopped, and now he has no legacy. OR does he…

 

Amazing Spider-man #700 – It’s revealed that Doc Ock was able to switch his consciousness with Peter Parker’s. Peter is now in Otto Octavius’ dying body, and Octavius has a brand new body (that’s died a few times already so it’s pretty broken in). Peter manages to take control of his own mind for one final moment, to show Doctor Octopus why he does what he does. Otto is moved (or something) and decides he will now use his second chance for good, becoming an even better version of Spider-man, a…

 

Superior Spider-man #1-#31 – SUPERIOR Spider-man! Doctor Octopus, now occupying Peter’s body and mind, acts like Spider-man if Spider-man were more morally ambiguous. He kills a super-villain (Massacre), beats the shit out of two D-listers because they were bothering him, gives himself some metal octopus, er… spider arms, and even gets some minions for a while to do his bidding! He uses spider-bots to patrol the city, pisses off the Avengers, gets the Black Cat arrested (because he didn’t know that Peter and her had a thing… and I guess neither did you possibly. Spidey was nailin’ the Black Cat for a while. There), gets his doctorate (he was pissed that Peter didn’t have it before, knowing he was often outsmarted by nothing more than a grad student) and basically is a vain prick whose only motivation is to be a better Spider-man than the original. Plus he starts dating a midget! Oh, and during all of this, Peter’s consciousness is still alive in his body, wrestling for control. After Green Goblin proves to Octavius that he’s NOT the Superior Spider-man by outsmarting him and nearly tearing NYC apart, he removes his own consciousness from his body and gives it back to Peter so that he can save New York from the Green Goblin and about 10 other Goblins including Hobgoblin, a guy that used to be a Hobgoblin knockoff, Menace (Harry Osborn’s ex-girlfriend Lily, because Harry can’t have nice things when his dad’s a dick), and a bunch of other people that Norman Osborn turned into Goblins. OH, and Spider-man 2099 comes from the future to eventually help. No one liked the 2099 series. No one. Anyway, now Peter is back in his own body, and is going to have to clean up the mess left by Octavius. Which brings us to…

 

Amazing Spider-man #1 (for the third time) – I haven’t read it as of writing this, but it’s assumed that he’ll be sorting some shit out. Some things he’s aware of (like the fact that a “little person” is now in love with him, but he has no feelings for her, that was all Otto) and some things he’s not (like he doesn’t know he quit the Avengers, AND he doesn’t know he got Black Cat arrested, which is going to piss her off more than it would if she knew she was basically a complete ripoff of Catwoman). Should make for a fun few early story arcs, but if you had no idea what happened in about the last year and a half, you’ll likely be pretty lost for the next year (give or take). I kind of feel sorry for everyone who buys Spider-man #1 having never picked up a comic in their life. Unless they read this first. Then I just feel sorry that they spent like 30 minutes reading my cherry-picked interpretation of the history of a fictional character just so they could understand a comic book they bought.

 

Enjoy!

The Ten Worst Songs of 2013: What NOT To Expect

NOTE: THERE WILL BE SPOILERS HERE! If you haven’t watched the Ten Worst Songs of 2013 yet (or you’re reading this before it has been released), do NOT continue reading if you don’t want to know what will and won’t be on the list.

 

 

Once again, it’s time for my list of the ten worst songs of 2013. And once again, it’s time for a bunch of people to bitch that the song they hated the most wasn’t on the list. Well, it’s MY list, and I don’t really need to justify it, but in the interest of shutting some of you up, I’ll try to explain why certain songs or artists didn’t make the list. Still not satisfied? No explanation here for a song you thought should be on the list but isn’t? Well then, the easiest way to explain it is “I felt there were ten songs that were worse”.

 

 

Ylvis – The Fox

My rule of not putting stupid novelty Internet sensations in my videos continues. If The Fox went in, then so too must Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” or “ABCDEFG”, and as I’ve said before, that means every shitty song done by some emo band in their parent’s garage qualifies, or every wannabe rapper on YouTube qualifies, and the list is just a recap of all the stupid viral videos you were too dumb not to click on. OF COURSE those songs are bad. They’re not by professionals. Or in the case of “The Fox”, it’s professional comedians making a song for a sketch, and it happened to be pretty annoying. And I don’t give a shit that the American Billboard charts now legitimize these songs because it counts YouTube views. I will not legitimize them on my list. Think of them as “too shitty” for the list if that helps you, but I would suggest that anyone who makes a worst song list and puts “The Fox” on it is only doing so to pander to the idiots who EXPECT it to be on there. If it’s on there, where do we draw the line? Since “The Fox” was basically a commercial for a TV show, maybe all commercial jingles should be included on a list of the worst songs? Yep, that’ll make for a fun list…

 

Rebecca Black – Saturday

What did I JUST fucking write!? Rebecca Black is an unsigned performer who is known for ONE song, and she’s known for it because of how stupid it was, and because people posted it on everyone’s Facebook walls saying “Oh man, you gotta check out how bad this is!” because that’s what people do… they’re more likely to share something that’s awful than something that’s of some sort of value. Saturday is just an attempt to stretch her 15 minutes of viral fame into 15 more minutes of viral fame. Let me know when she’s signed and is putting out legitimate songs off an album. Then maybe we’ll talk.

 

Robin Thicke – Blurred Lines

“Where’s Blurred Lines!? That song sucked!”, no doubt there will be a few hundred of those comments. I left it off the list not because I liked the song… but because it’s too fucking mediocre. And for those of you bitching about it being a song about rape… you’re reading too much into it. And this is coming from me… the guy who reads too much into EVERY song.

 

Kanye West – Bound 2

If it was the Ten Worst VIDEOS of 2013, sure, it’d be on there. It might even be #1. It’s a really stupid video. But I don’t judge songs based on their video, I judge songs based on the song. Bound 2 is just boring, and the only REALLY awful element is that stupid “Come here papi!” or whatever she says (I listened to the song once and have not had to listen to it again because it’s not charting and it’s not getting radio play around here or where I work, which is another reason it’s not on the list… the only way you’re possibly listening to this song is if you’re subjecting yourself to it, and that’s your own fault).

 

Lorde – Royals

If you think this song was boring… that’s fair, it doesn’t do a whole lot musically, and it’s not overly upbeat. If you think the song was lyrically a piece of shit… you’re either an idiot who didn’t understand the lyrics, OR you hate songs with SOME sort of substance. If you simply hate this song, that’s perfectly understandable… it’s been played into the ground. No way anyone COULDN’T be sick of this song by now. BUT, that doesn’t mean it makes the list of the ten worst songs of the year. If it was called “The Ten Most Overplayed Songs of the Year”, then it would likely be #1, but a song being overplayed doesn’t necessarily make it bad. I watched some other person’s list of the worst songs of 2012, and that was essentially his reason for two songs being on the list… that would be like suggesting that if you watch The Shawshank Redemption once a week, eventually it goes from being one of the best movies ever made to one of the worst. You might get sick of watching it, but it’s still a great film (note: Lorde – Royals is NOT the Shawshank Redemption of songs… more like the Quiz Show of songs… slow and maybe a little boring to some people, but still interesting).

 

Britney Spears – Work Bitch

I’m not going to say I LIKED this song… but the message is actually not awful. If you want nice things in life, or if you want to look good, you need to work for it. Hate Britney if you want, but do you think she just rolls out of bed looking like she does? It requires time in the gym, not eating just everything that’s put in front of her… if you think “anyone can look like that”, go look at yourself in the mirror. Do you? No? Well then I guess “anyone” can’t. “I could if I had the time”, do you know what goes on in a gym? It’s not just about time, you know you don’t just go sit in a chair for an hour and you come out thin and toned, right? You are required to put in an effort. Beyond that, it’s a generic pop song that’s not worth getting too worked up over.

 

Anything I Already Did a Musical Autopsy of

This rule is back in effect this year. In fact, two of the Musical Autopsies I did this year were slightly positive (Lorde – Royals and Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Thrift Shop), so it was fairly obvious that they weren’t going to make the list. The rest, though terrible songs, weren’t as bad as the ten I chose.

 

Flo Rida

Holy shit, for the first time in two years, Flo Rida didn’t make the list! He put out songs… but they didn’t really do anything. One of the things that I usually take into consideration for the worst songs of the year is whether anyone even cared about it. If a song is shitty, but no one listened to it, then it’s done fairly minimal damage. Though “I Cry” kind of made waves, there’s nothing more that I can say about it that I didn’t already say about “Good Feeling” 2 years ago (shitty rapping done over a stolen sample, pretty much par for the course for Flo Rida).

 

Nicki Minaj

You know I hate Nicki Minaj and would love for the 2012 “champion” to make an appearance on the list again… but she didn’t really put anything out this year! She had one single, “High School”, which didn’t even crack the top 40, and just wasn’t awful enough to make this year’s list. I guess she needed a break this year. Maybe we’ll see her back on the list in 2014.

 

Justin Bieber

It’s been a pretty busy year for Justin Bieber, but his off-stage antics have been way more interesting than any of the boring, generic pop he pushed out in 2013. Nothing he put out this year is even worth the effort to discuss for more than this sentence and the sentence before it.

 

Any song that I can’t find anything funny to say about

[This is a direct copy and paste from last year’s “What Not To Expect” blog post] Again, keep in mind this is all for the sake of comedy, and there’s a reason why I’m now known as the guy who does this… search “Worst Songs of 2011” on YouTube. My video has nearly 3 million views [note: now it’s over 7 million], everyone else ranges from 300 views to 40,000 views. Not to sound arrogant, but you’re not listening to this and sharing it with people because of the songs themselves, it’s what I say about them. If the list was me saying “#10 – [Insert song here] This song sucks because it’s repetitive and boring and it’s stupid… #9 – [Insert song here] I hate this song, it sucks and is annoying… #8 – [Insert song here] I didn’t like this song, it was stupid”… I’d have no fan base. You want to be entertained, and that’s not entertaining. Don’t take this list super serious, don’t say things like “Oh, this should be #4, not #6” or “why isn’t [insert your least favourite song] on the list instead of [insert some song you didn’t think was all that bad]”, just enjoy the comedy. Or don’t. Whatever.

5 Different Movies To Watch This Halloween

Halloween… a time to watch the same fucking handful of movies over and over. Rocky Horror Picture Show, Ghostbusters, Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas (which kind of works for two holidays, way to cash in Tim Burton), something from the Saw, Scream, Halloween, Friday the Thirteenth, or A Nightmare on Elm Street franchises, a bunch of weird J-Horror movies about ghosts that have bizarre endings, I’m sure you can come up with more but it’s all the same fucking shit year after year. Well, I’ve had enough. Here are 5 movies to watch this Halloween that probably wouldn’t make your traditional list, but are horrific in their own ways (and as a bonus, they’re all from different countries… have a cultured All Hallows’ Eve this year!):

Se7en
(USA, 1995)

David Fincher has made 3 amazing films (Fight Club, Se7en, and The Game) and a bunch of other ones that arguably range from “meh” to “not too shabby”. Not bad for a guy who used to make music videos for Madonna. Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman attempt to hunt down a serial killer who is murdering his victims based on each of the seven deadly sins. Se7en is not really a horror film as much as it is a thriller, but it’s a dark, moody thriller that just never lets up, and I know that sounds fucking cliched but it’s true. From the unnerving opening credits to the grim ending, this is a movie that fucks you up so well the first time you watch it, you wish you could erase your memory just so you could let yourself experience it again.

Cube
(Canada, 1997)

A Canadian horror film with a cast of nobodies (the most famous person in the movie is an actress that was in a couple Kids in the Hall sketches). People talk about how great the first Saw movie was on a budget of a little over a million, Cube was made for $350k and blows it out of the fucking water. A psychological thriller about a group of people trapped in a gigantic cube made up of smaller cubes probably sounds really boring, but within about a minute when the Cube claims its first victim, you’ll shut the fuck up about how boring you think it is. It’s a great minimalist film that has some excellent gory moments (the effects are pretty solid for how much they spent on the movie) and manages to be a pretty fun mind-fuck overall. Oh, but ignore the prequel and the sequel. They sucked.

Battle Royale
(Japan, 2000)

Not a horror movie at all, despite the section some shitty HMVs put it in, but the premise would be pretty terrifying for most 13-14 year olds: What would happen if your entire class was kidnapped, put on an island, and forced to kill each other for sport and because the government doesn’t have a better solution for population control? Battle Royale only recently became available in North America, conveniently just before the Hunger Games hit theatres (the plots are similar, and the author of the Hunger Games franchise claims that they never heard of the novel or the film Battle Royale before writing it, but then Battle Royale is kind of a rip-off of Stephen King’s early novels The Long Walk and The Running Man, and I’m sure someone would suggest those novels borrow elements from other works as well, so… what the fuck can you do). It’s got everything you need this Halloween: violence, creepy Asian girls, a weird bad guy that’s possibly a pedophile, and more violence. It’s kids viciously murdering each other on an island! What more do you need to know!?

13 Tzameti
(France, 2005)

Normally when you think “French films”, you think about a bag blowing in the wind for 45 minutes while a mime cries and it’s in black and white. While definitely horrifying, thankfully that’s not what 13 Tzameti is (although it IS in black and white). Absolutely NOT a horror movie in any way, but similar to Battle Royale in the sense that the situation is the terrifying part. A guy doing a construction job on a private house finds out about an envelope in his employer’s home, said envelope including instructions that could net him a fortune. What follows is so fucking awesome that I don’t even want to give any more away, although I’m sure someone will spoil it for you if you try to look any deeper into it, but the guy gets sucked into a world he wishes he hadn’t. Doesn’t ruin the whole movie or anything if you find out where the envelope takes him (it happens in about the first 30 minutes and the rest is him dealing with the situation), but if you can go in completely spoiler free, it makes it even cooler, so I’m not going to be the asshole to tell you. They did an American remake that’s pretty close to the original (it was made by the same director), so if you absolutely must watch it in colour and in English then the option exists, but don’t be lame. Just watch the original.

I Saw the Devil
(South Korea, 2010)

Before Kim Ji-woon made his American directorial debut with The Last Stand (an unfortunate misuse of his talents), he directed this modern masterpiece. The premise seems pretty simple at first (a cop tracks down a serial killer after the killer makes it personal) but then we get an interesting twist: the cop relentlessly tracks, beats, tortures, and maims our villain only to keep releasing him so he can beat him some more (with unfortunate consequences for all involved). Never let it be said that Koreans don’t know how to make revenge films (see also: Oldboy, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, both of which could also have easily made this list). There’s a gruesome scene involving an Achilles tendon and a sharp object that makes me cringe every time I even think about it, a darkly humorous moment with a screwdriver, and so much brutality throughout that I couldn’t leave it off this list. Never mind the shitty “jumpy-loud-noise” scares of bullshit modern horror like The Conjuring or those Paranormal Activity movies, this is that creepy, uncomfortable and unsettling horror that stays with you some time after the movie is over.

So there you go, 5 different movies to watch beyond the usual crap we always end up watching at this time of year. The downside to all of these movies is that your girlfriend isn’t going to cutely grip your arm and hide her face in your chest while you watch them and then fuck you when it’s all over. They’re just going to be pissed that you made them watch these with you. Of course, if they do want to fuck you after watching any one of these… they’re a keeper. A weird, disturbed keeper. My kind of woman.

Radio Hypocrisy 2

So yesterday I got in a fight on Twitter with a couple local radio personalities: Sarah Burke, and Mark Cameron. Both host shows here in the city on a terrestrial radio station. It all started with this:

Sarah Burke posted the link to the ‘open letter to Miley Cyrus from the AriZona Ice Tea manager’ thing that has been going viral for the last couple days. Of course, the letter was NOT written by anyone from AriZona, it was written by a Funny or Die contributor. At no point does Burke mention this in the comment, but that’s not the worst of it… the worst of it is that she now believes that it’s funny to write an open letter to a celebrity and criticize them publicly. But wait… a few years ago, I did the exact same thing… with her! I wrote an open letter to Sarah Burke, something that resulted in her being incredibly upset over (she went out of her way to get my phone number from a mutual friend to call me to tell me how unhappy she was about it, and she e-mailed me several times to try and get me to delete the letter, at one time trying to threaten legal action). I’ve since deleted the entire thing (I did so after she came back to London after a stint in Kingston, figuring she deserved a fresh start), but here were some of the highlights:

Since your appointment to the [station name] weekend host position, I have been listening to your work quite frequently, as I do most of my driving around the city during the hours your shows are on, and I am an avid [station name] listener. I’ve enjoyed the work of the last several [station name] weekend hosts [I named a bunch of hosts]. Each one brought something different to their shows [I listed a bunch of unique elements each previous host had utilized], However, with you, Sarah, I have yet to pick out a single thing that makes your shows unique, with one exception: they’re uniquely awful.

Most of this letter centered on a BRUTAL bit she had done one Mother’s Day, where she interviewed a security guard, the only person that was in the building with her that day:

Very David Letterman-esque of you. So you give him a call, and start talking to him about his mother… who you immediately mention has passed away. WHAT!? What kind of dark turn has this taken? It’s Mother’s Day and now I’m listening to some old man talk about his dead mother and how they enjoyed going to dog shows. Well, hold on, everyone enjoys dogs, so now I’m thinking “maybe Burke is going to salvage this in some way”. So you ask him how his wife and kids are… Sarah, you’ve picked the saddest old man in the world to put on the radio, as he explains that he and the wife are separated, and I’m pretty sure he mentioned he doesn’t see the kids that often. AND after all of that, you decide to wish him a “Happy Mothers Day”. I suspect he will not be having a Happy Mother’s Day, nor will other people who are in a similar situation that may have been trying to not think about how depressing their lives are and just wanted to listen to the radio and be entertained. I wouldn’t be surprised if that security guard was found later that day hanging in the janitor’s closet with a note sticking out of his pants that just said “Burke”, written in tears.

I wanted to let Burke know that I’m glad she’s changed her mind about open letters, so I tweeted her the above photo and my screen captured comment, which of course she deleted immediately and blocked me from commenting further. That’s fine, it’s their Facebook page, and they can do what they want (and it’s not like I don’t have enough places to post things). The following Twitter conversation ensued:

Burke is notorious for lazy show prep. I’ve heard numerous bits where she essentially read a Buzzfeed article (without saying it was from Buzzfeed too, so that makes it even worse). But anyway, clearly she tries to brush me off, she thinks she’s in the right so that’s all that matters. If you don’t believe you’re a hypocrite or that you’ve lied to your audience, I guess you’re not a hypocrite or a liar.

So, that’s that. She’s brushed me off, I’m not pursuing the conversation any further, we’ve both said our goodbyes and it’s all over. Right? Nope, because the Gallant White Knight Mark Cameron must come to save poor Princess Burke! You see, Burke’s just a girl who can’t take care of herself, and mean smelly old Buckley just picks on women, and must be taught a lesson by this brave warrior, who is not at all a hypocrite either, as we’re about to see. Of course, he never thought that this has nothing to do with her gender and everything to do with her being fucking terrible at her profession (This is a radio host who segued a story about a child’s death into a station contest, and she once referred to former Maple Leaf’s head coach Pat Burns as “alive and well” 2 weeks before he succumbed to the cancer that he’d been living with for some time… very “well” indeed). I believe I’ve included every tweet, and the only editing that has taken place was the order the tweets were made, in an attempt to make this look like a coherent conversation (but it’s Twitter, where it would be easier to find Bigfoot than a coherent conversation). None of the context has been changed, and I have not edited anything to make myself look better. This is the conversation, and you’re all free-thinking human beings who can make their own minds up about what they’ve just read.

By the way, the picture reference in my first tweet to him… we had our picture taken together during an awards ceremony when I was going to school. He presented me with the “Announcer of the Year” award in 2009.

Of course, Mark Cameron no doubt thinks he’s walked away the victor. As I said to one of my fans on Twitter later that night that claimed I was “destroying him”, “Arguments are only won in the minds of those who participate.” I’m sure Mark is very happy with this. But I don’t believe he should be for the following reasons:

• He sat at his keyboard calling me “chicken shit” and a “coward who sits behind their comp”, then claimed he doesn’t stand for personal attacks (which, at no point during these conversations did I personally attack anyone, I only critiqued their professional work). Nothing hypocritical there of course.
• He tried to bring gender into it right off the bat, to attempt to twist it into some other sort of angle that has nothing to do with the topic (which is that Burke was in the wrong for posting this considering she got so upset when she was criticized as a public figure, and for posting it as a legit article).
• He acted foolish while representing his employer (even though he claims his personal account doesn’t represent his employer, he speaks for them on several occasions in his tweets and even claims I’m welcome to come meet with them… I’ll bring the donuts!)
• He keeps claiming that because the Funny or Die letter was satire, that makes it ok. They’re still being critical of Miley and trashing her behavior, which is what makes the letter funny. But it’s ok because it’s satire. So he’s fine with personal attacks on Miley Cyrus (who by the way is a woman, last we all checked), but doesn’t see how that’s hypocritical.
• He claims that I should meet with them to discuss issues I have with their station, then claims he wouldn’t want to meet with me anyway. Of course, I’M the coward still, him calling me “chicken shit” from a computer in the safety of his own home, that’s as brave as it gets.
• He shows that he clearly doesn’t understand how The Onion works. If someone posted an article from The Onion but claimed it was real, they’d be laughed at by anyone who knows what The Onion is. That’s exactly what Burke did with the Funny or Die article. If he’s claiming that the station’s Facebook page is like The Onion, so they can post fake news and report it as real… well, they’re not. First off, The Onion doesn’t repost fake news stories that someone else wrote and claim they’re true, they write their own fake news stories and never make any claims about anything. Second of all, this radio station is not The Onion. And they never will be. The worst Onion writer is 10x better than anyone working for any terrestrial radio station on the planet.
• He tries to be condescending toward me because “he could pass me on the street and have no idea who I am”, but I have a bigger following than him on every major social networking site and more people hear my work every week than hear his work. In fact, people have PAID to hear my work. As far as I’m aware, no one has ever bought a collection of Mark Cameron’s bits, and they only listen to him because they have to listen to him for a few minutes every hour in between the songs they want to hear. When people come to my channel, they’re coming to listen to me.

So, that was my Wednesday night. Fighting with hypocritical radio hosts who are fine with dishing it out, but not fine with being scrutinized themselves. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the studio. Forever.

Buckley vs Some Woman

 

Sometimes I take time out of my busy schedule of fighting with trolls on my videos to fight with people in other places. Apparently I might be a little confrontational. So, this happened this weekend…

The story so far:

A local radio station, on their Facebook page, posted a picture from Billy Madison. The caption discussed how Siskel and Ebert gave the movie a very poor review. The point of course was that the movie is very well liked and went on to make Adam Sandler a major star after his run on SNL. A woman then commented on the photo, calling Siskel and Ebert (or maybe just Ebert? Siskel was always pretty skinny, especially now… too soon?) “Overweight faggots”. I responded, sarcastically praising her for speaking up for the cultured and intelligent cinema fans, and said that I hope she teaches her baby (her profile picture included her with a baby) the proper use of the word “faggot” and that maybe it’ll be the child’s first word and that she’d be so proud. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a screen grab of this before the radio station deleted the comment. However, the woman then sent me a private message. This is the ensuing battle of wits. I’ll let you score the bout.

Lost Script: 2011 Norway Attacks

It’s the 2nd anniversary of the attacks in Norway where nearly 80 people were killed by one man (Anders Behring Breivik). It’s also almost the 2nd anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death.

What follows is a script I partially wrote in 2011 (the ending is missing, and keep in mind it’s a bit shorter than my current work because I only usually did 3-4 minute videos back then). The story goes that I had got home from an evening out, was like “ah shit, I need to make a video for this week”, so slightly inebriated I hit up CNN.com for something to talk about. I wrote this script, then woke up the next morning, re-read it, and decided I needed a new script (Which ended up being “A Dose of Buckley – Music vs The Internet“, one of my most popular videos to date) because it was too dark/angry and didn’t really include any jokes (which doesn’t stop me as much these days, but at that point I wanted things to at least be dark and humorous, not just dark). Any incorrect information is due to the facts being wrong at the time. In the confusion, the death toll was incorrect in both locations until they were able to sort everything out.

Originally Written July 24th, 2011.

So I’m checking out CNN.com because I’m really lazy and couldn’t think of anything to talk about this week, figured something there might inspire me… and I don’t know if you’re a fan of news, but a couple things happened last week, one of them major and one no one should give a shit about… and oddly enough, the one I thought no one should give a shit about? That’s the one being promoted as the important one! So… in Norway, some madman, ONE man apparently, killed 7 people with a bomb outside a government building, using that as a distraction and a reason to claim he needed to do a security check at a political youth camp later that same day, and shot nearly 90 kids. ALMOST 100 people died that day, some of them before their 16^th birthdays, by the hands of one fucked up man. The next day? Some celebrity died. And you know what’s getting more press coverage on CNN.com? The piece of shit Celebrity! Amy Winehouse, 27, found dead in her apartment, early reports say she ODed and if it turns out that’s the case, no one will be surprised… and there were 5 or 6 god damn stories on Sunday still about her, FIVE OR SIX stories! Even my Facebook friends, I had two of them post vague “can’t believe what happened in Norway” type statuses, and then the next day 20 of these people posting in detail about Amy Winehouse, sharing tributes to her and saying how great she was, while others argue about whether or not it’s tragic. Well let me settle that argument right now… WHO CARES?! She’s just one human being, and possibly not a very smart one at that, there’s a chance she swallowed too many pills or didn’t know when to stop pushing down on the plunger, she’s not 80 kids tricked into absorbing a fuckload of bullets from a submachine gun by a guy dressed as a cop! The story from Norway? Sure it’s the headline on CNN, but if you go to the “World News” section, there’s only 3 stories about it, and look what else is in “World News”… Amy fucking Winehouse! It’s unbelievable how completely fucked up the mental state of the world is, that we care more about the death of one person just because they’re famous, but the deaths of nearly 100? Ah, whatever, none of those kids wrote a song about their addictions that later on got remixed by Jay-Z so who gives a shit right? An island full of Scandinavian kids becoming target practice doesn’t sell papers and drive traffic to websites quite like some one-hit wonder who couldn’t sing worth a shit in the first place and wouldn’t have made the headlines for another 40 years if she didn’t accidentally off herself.

RADIO HYPOCRISY

This industry frustrates me so much. I want to see it flourish, I want to hear great material being produced by quality radio hosts, but instead it’s amateur hour all throughout the country as the corporations slash budgets and hire people fresh out of school (or who never even went to school) who aren’t ready to be in front of the mic in markets that should only be hiring seasoned veterans… and I think that’s why the incident I’m about to discuss happened the way it happened.

Recently I was once again exposed to the hypocrisy of certain radio hosts, though not first hand this time (it’s nice to watch one from the bleachers sometimes). You may or may not recall that I once wrote an open letter to a local radio host, which included a scathing review of their work. I took a lot of heat for that, but everything in that letter was the truth, and unfortunately a bunch of people blinded by friendship and loyalty felt they needed to defend what was, at best, first year college-grade work being aired in a medium market on a commercial radio station. This announcer hasn’t gotten any better by the way, they referred to Pat Burns as “alive and well” while he was suffering from cancer… he died about 2 weeks later (yes, very “well” indeed), and within the last couple months badly segued into a contest after discussing a kid who was shot (classy), but see, I’m not allowed to say that, because the radio industry believes they’re immune, that they’re above jokes and criticism, and that we’re all supposed to support each other no matter what, all a bunch of nonsense. So it came as NO surprise to me that my good friends at [Name Withheld because they’ll cry if I put it] were all upset because of the antics of one “Drunk Jock”.

Drunk Jock is the alias of someone apparently working in the business here in Canada, who tweets jokes about the industry and about other radio announcers. Some of his tweets that are deemed less harmful include: “The music director just came in late and now is going for lunch. Makes total sense why he makes more than me!”, way to stick it to middle management… “Jonathan (not) Quick (enough). #blackhawks”, which has nothing to do with radio but seems fitting since it’s the type of not-at-all-funny hockey humour that so many radio hosts probably did after the Kings lost to the Blackhawks, and “Every radio station in the world: Blah Blah Blah something about Friday!”, which, that one actually is mildly humorous because of how often radio announcers talk about the weekend. “Weekend’s comin’ up everyone! Just in case you didn’t know that there are 7 days in a week, 2 of those are classified as the weekend, and that this is a never-ending cyclical process, just thought I’d remind you that we’re approaching the weekend, unless it IS the weekend, in which case, yay! It’s the weekend! Not for me though! I’m in a studio working the easiest job on the planet, feel sorry for me!”… fuck me… But recently, he had made a series of “inappropriate tweets” to a local radio announcer who will remain nameless. “Hey [blank] wanna bone?”, that was posted on June 4^th. Then, on June 16^th… “Am I watching the #MMVAs? Did [Blank] suck so many dicks that she had to get an operation to handle 10 dicks at once? No. Answer is No”, which resulted in a bit of an exchange that also included one of her co-workers joining in, then Drunk Jock tweeted the next day that he’d “totally let [blank] girly cum all over my shit!”, and wondered why this announcer was so upset considering he was actually paying her a compliment in his own way… and then followed it up with what is apparently his trademark, drawing a penis on their social networking picture. Apparently someone at [place that can’t be named even though they already hate me anyway] actually accused ME of this, which, by the way, thanks, but fuck off. This isn’t my style AT ALL. This guy’s not funny, but that’s probably why he works in radio. This is juvenile playground humour that’s not even close to what I do. And although I don’t defend this behavior, I DO defend his right to do it.

Any radio host offended by all of this is a major hypocrite, unless they’ve absolutely NEVER made a joke, ANY joke, about a celebrity, sports star, politician, or other public figure in their careers. As a radio host, you’re a public figure. You’ve signed up for all the perks and all the pitfalls, you don’t get to pick and choose. During my exchange with the person I wrote the open letter to, they claimed they shouldn’t be criticized, because they aren’t a public figure. Yes you are! You’re on the god damn radio! Strangers can press a button in their car and hear your voice. You may only be a local celebrity, but you ARE a public figure, subject to the same criticism and scrutiny that ALL public figures are. Do you know how long Howard Stern would have lasted if he got all upset the first time someone made fun of him, the first time someone told him he sucked or criticized his work? Not very long. He’d be nobody. That’s a person who can handle the pressures of being a public figure, and I don’t think that’s something that can be taught. You’re not taught in school how to be a star, how to handle everything that goes along with that. You’re only taught how to dish it out. You can learn how to craft a bit, how to write a joke with a beginning, middle and punchline, but how do you train someone to take criticism? I don’t think you can. They have to have a specific attitude, they have to be a little bit arrogant, they have to believe that they’re good at what they do and they can’t let the criticism get to them. Once again, during my exchange with the person who I wrote the open letter to, they confessed to me that they were afraid for the next few weeks to even turn the mic on. Every time they had to press that button they felt a little bit of anxiety. They had no confidence in themselves. That was not my goal, but that just proves that they’re not a person who can be a star. Do you know how much shit I take from people who view my YouTube channel? I get a lot of positive feedback, way more than the negative, but I get A LOT of negative feedback. Because of the nature of my work (as well as the nature of the Internet where you can hide behind an alias), I get called every name you can think of. I get people telling me they want to kill me, people saying they’d punch me in the face if they ever met me, people questioning my sexual orientation and telling me to suck their dicks… hell sometimes I get people who LIKE my work telling me that if I were gay they’d let me fuck them. Then I get the “haters” who just tell me that I’m “annoying”, that they don’t like the sound of my voice, and that my opinions are shitty because they don’t match their opinions. I take all that abuse and I do it for free, just because I like entertaining people with my brand of angry humour, I’m not even getting paid (although if you ask a lot of radio hosts they’ll tell you they feel like they’re not getting paid either). And if I hadn’t been able to handle it, I would never have seen my channel grow to 260,000+ subscribers, over a quarter-million people waiting every week to hear my opinions about whatever the hell I feel like talking about that week. I don’t get upset about it, I’d be a complete hypocrite if I did since most of my material is about being critical of celebrities and social behavior. And that’s what is happening here.

I’m sure someone will say “Umm, I never made a joke on air about some girl sucking a bunch of dicks and asking to fuck her”, and I’m sure you haven’t or you wouldn’t have a job, but have you ever made a joke about Taylor Swift being boy-crazy, or the loose… umm… morals (yeah, lets go with “morals”, that’s radio friendly) of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, the Teen Mom with the sex tape, even Pam Anderson back in the day? Have you been talking shit about Rob Ford despite the fact that the alleged “crack smoking” video has yet to be made public? Have you ever made a joke about a celebrity at all? If not, I commend you. Your shows are probably really boring, but I commend you for being the king or queen of morality that we should all look up to and try to be like, and I hope your Christian Radio station gets that 50 watt upgrade approved by the CRTC soon. But that’s what I hear on commercial radio in this city and every city I’ve ever visited: Jokes about celebrities and public figures. Many announcers have entire segments devoted to it, I forget which station was doing a segment in the mornings called “Celebrity Sleaze”, an afternoon drive host had a segment called the “Daily Need to Know” which was usually celebrity jokes. Then you’ve got local politicians getting as close to slandered as you can without a lawsuit. Our mayor at the time, her husband was arrested for drinking and driving and local radio went to fucking town on that guy well before he was convicted… of course, he WAS guilty, but he wasn’t proven guilty when the jokes were being made about him being a drunk. Our current mayor is accused of stealing money from the city, guess who’s taking a verbal shit-kicking now? OH, but you can’t talk shit about a radio announcer, it’s only a one way street right? Yes, you can, and no, it’s not. You’re a public figure, you should expect it. Time to grow up. You’re getting upset about someone making some crude sexual jokes about you on Twitter? You can’t handle it if someone is critical of your work, whether that person happens to be in the industry or is just someone who listens to the radio? If so, you’re not fit for the business of being a celebrity. Pack it in. The colleges are spitting out hundreds of grads a year to fight over a handful of jobs, I’m sure any one of them would be happy to have yours.

– Buckley

Epilogue: “Drunk Jock” deleted his Facebook and Twitter, I assume because of the backlash regarding this incident. Guess he wasn’t fit to be a celebrity either. And again, whoever accused me of being him… A) grow a pair and don’t talk behind my back (there are so many ways you can contact me, and half a dozen people in that building who know me personally if for some reason you can’t figure out how Google works) and B) know that I will ALWAYS put my name on everything I have to say. I won’t hide behind an alias. I don’t need to.